"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear". My case was no exception.
At the time I didn't know what was wrong, I just knew that I was deeply unhappy nearly all of the time.
And then a Touch of Grace changed everything, and caused me to question everything I thought I knew.
Today, a bit over five years later, and EXACTLY five years after first attending my first Yoga class, it's easy to see how important Yoga and much more importantly, the community my Yoga practice has brought me into contact with, have been. With their help I've been able to transform nearly every aspect of my life, to the point where it's almost uncomfortable to look back at who that person was. My prior aspirations, daydreams, and even the way I interacted with others, are so incongruous with how I feel today, they feel like memories from a different lifetime. The person that I was would certainly not have been comfortable having his picture taken while doing yoga, let alone growing a beard and letting my hair grow long, but there I am on the right. The picture was taken two weeks ago with many of the people who have helped me along the way.
I remember on my best days I'd spend most of my daily commute dreaming about the future and inventing awesome, but completely unrealistic, technologies to make the world a better place. These were the mornings when I'd arrive at work feeling like anything is possible.
But more often than not, I remember spending my commute inventing things to ruminate about and war-game against. These were the mornings when I would arrive at work exhausted and ready to crawl back into bed.
Today, it amazes me how long it took to see the connection between the thoughts I fostered on the ride in and the type of day I would have.
Making matters worse, once I saw the connection, I remember trying to only allow myself to focus on good things, to stop myself from war-gaming and to berate myself every time I failed.
It also amazes me how long it took me to realize how harmful this approach was; by trying to suppress my inclination to rumination and war-gaming, I gave them a tremendous amount of power over my life. It wasn't until I started to learn to let these invitations to "repeatedly process past/future events" flow by without engaging them that my mental health started to improve.
Now, a good day is one when I can be completely present. When I can "Be here, now". Being completely present feels like God to me. It's this deeply connected to everything feeling. Every breath intoxicating, bringing with it waves of peace and love. Its the warmth of the sun hitting your face on a cool day. A cool breeze in a hot forest.
At these moments, it's not that everything's right with the world, it's an understanding that everything is, and that's alright.
I wish I could stop here and honestly tell you that having unlocked this ability to occasionally reach this peak state means that all of my days are good ones, that I've been able to stay in this perfect peace almost all of the time, Lord knows I've tried.
I also wish I could tell you that the peak state moments make it easier to deal with my darkness, but if anything it's presence is even more jarring compared to the experience of being completely connected to everything.
Because on my worst days I still find myself having to deal with a couple of old companions; Anxiety and Depression.
As I've tried to make sense of why this should be, I've come to believe that Newton's third law (for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction) applies to everything, not just physics. Along these lines, my attempts to forcefully grasp and hold the eternal naturally result in an equally far fall from the feeling of Grace.
BTW, it's the grasping, not the reaching, that causes the problem. Peak states are great, it's just when you try to force yourself to feel this way all the time that you can end up building anxiety over the need to constantly feel this way and then depression hits because the overwhelming majority of us have not yet developed the skills to allow us to do this.
I've found that balance means allowing the petals of the flower to unfold naturally. Trying to rush things along by pulling the petals will just break the petals.
The same holds true as you grow and change over time. Don't be overly critical of yourself (I struggle with this continuously). Identifying the need to make a change is a normal and natural part of growth but we must allow it to happen. We need to understand that all change takes time. Whether or not you'll reach your goal is unknowable, all you can do is set your intention to live your life in a way that brings you Happiness and Joy.
I've also come to understand that Anxiety and Depression, like Happiness and Joy are byproducts, not destinations. They are symptoms not primary causes. If I feel depressed I try not to fight it because that will just give it more power. By simply acknowledging that it's there, I can work with it. With mindfullness, I can dig into why I feel either anxious or depressed.
Once I get my mind wrapped around even a fragment of what feels like the true reason, I try and NAME IT. And once I name it, the feelings of anxiety that come up in relation to it can be categorized and then be allowed to dissipate.
And this really gets at the heart of the difference between who I was then and who I am now.
In the past I would have been solely focused on what others did and how what they did CAUSED me to feel anxious. Now, I understand I'm the one having the problem and that the anxiety exists nowhere but within myself.
To me, achieving these kinds of insights into your blind spots and growth opportunities, is really what the practice of Yoga is about, learning about the mind body connection, learning that flexibility in your physical body requires flexibility in your energetic body and finally understanding how great it feels to just "let that shit go."
May your journey be fruitful, not easy.
Namaste!
