I promised myself I'd never write a “Goodbye Facebook” status update, so I didn't.
Instead, I deleted Facebook (as well as LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat) from all of my mobile devices, changed the passwords to something I can't remember, put the passwords in a box, buried the box and I'm now writing a blog post about it.
Why?
A downward spiral.
It started with the realization that despite my best intentions, social media has become deeply entwined with my Being in a very unhealthy way.
Accelerating my descent was the realization that “just cutting back” would probably not be possible…for me…at this time.
I realized that checking my feeds had gone from a minor distraction (to kill time), to an occasional defense mechanism (to ward off uncomfortable interactions with others), to a compulsion. Sometimes I'll be thinking deeply about a solution to a problem that I'll be working on and before I know it my phone is in my hand and I'm seeing what else is going on (as an escape).
I've heard Heather Maloney jokingly refer to the attainment of “phone zen” and for me this backward concept helped me to realize how many “moments” I'd been unconsciously losing due to the need to “stay connected”.
But what finally pushed me to a breaking point were my feelings about how others were reacting to what I was sharing.
At first, I found it merely interesting to see who'd react to the things that I posted, but as time went on, I noticed a tendency to evaluate the “worth” of something based on the number of reactions it would get.
Given the frequency I was checking in, I shouldn't have been surprised to discover how big of an influence this perception of worth had become to my overall sense of wellbeing.
There's even research that explains the link between positive social media responses and the release of dopamine. With positive responses we experience pleasure; conversely, when we don't get the expected or desired feedback it triggers feelings of unworthiness or concerns about abandonment. In the latter case the internal story might sound like “I shouldn't have posted that, people will think it was stupid” and maybe “like me less” or “they'll think I'm weird and not want to associate with me.”
These kinds of feelings are particularly problematic for me because I set out with the express intention to discuss topics that many find uncomfortable and don't want to discuss, let alone leave a trail that somehow acknowledges they might be able to identify with exactly what I'm writing.
My goal for doing so was to help others who were struggling to see that it doesn't matter where you start, how many missteps you take, how little you knew when you started, how far you travel (or not) that it's possible to become happier if you live your truth.
When your goal (Purpose) is to help others, I suppose it's only natural to want to see if what you're doing is having an impact. Based on all of the information available it would be very easy to convince myself that most of what I share isn't particularly insightful (let alone helpful) to anyone but me.
But during these times of doubt I remind myself of those who have reached out to me over the past three years and have encouraged me to keep going. It helps more than you know.
Until recently I was able to convince myself that all I needed to do to help was share what I'm thinking and how I'm navigating this incredibly powerful time in my life. But when I meditate on this approach, it rings hollow. I'm reminded that my muse visits me much more frequently and with much greater power when I'm out interacting with the world. I'm reminded of the lessons I learned in Las Vegas almost a year ago and realized that all of the time I've been spending on social media and all of the articles I've “saved for later” were just symptoms of a person who is still busy searching for paths rather than walking a path.
But the final part of the downward spiral began with the realization that, due to my obsession with social media, regardless of the impact I'm having, in every way that really matters, I'm failing. I'm less present in my life, I have less control over my emotional state, I don't spend as much time doing what I love.
All because I've confused quantity with quality, reactions with impact, ego with Purpose.
So, as of Saturday April 21st at 11:00 AM, I deleted all social media applications from my mobile devices and I plan to remain disconnected for the remainder of 2017. We'll see how it goes. It's been a week and I already feel a huge difference, it's not all rainbows and unicorn tears but I'm certainly more present.
With all of the free time I have, it's back to the mountains for me, “seeking grace in every step I take”, “getting myself back to the garden”, looking for the white light of Grace.
I also intend to invest in my overall wellness in a big way and that's what I'm going to focus trail mix on going forward. Sharing what I find valuable, not because I believe people will like it but because I hope that it helps someone (in addition to me).
I'm keeping messenger around (It's not like I'm going to be a hermit in a cave), so feel free to reach out…
Namaste
