Halfway through the second “Four Marks of Existence” class, I was clearly pleased with myself. I had just finished telling an abbreviated version of the following story and one of the teachers was expanding upon my personal experience by explaining how it related to the homework. As I sat there listening, I assumed he was using my story because it was so insightful and “well naturally it would help deepen the classes understanding of the topic”. He proceeded to describe to how my experience was related to “non-self” and further said:
“…you never know what will lead you to this realization. For some (as he gestured in my direction) it may be a dumb idea like Erik's "blade of grass” story.“
…Dumb idea? I thought as my grin started to slowly fade.
He then went on to say:
"I mean, it wouldn't pass a Philosophy exam”.
I tried to nod gracefully but my crimson face told the story of my rapidly deflating head. To make matters worse, at the end of the class, with all the mirth of Santa Claus twinkling in his eyes, he admonished the class to:
“...avoid looking for non-self in the grass of your front lawns!”
and punctuated this with a belly laugh.
I felt properly chastised.
Having since had a chance to reflect on his comments, I've come to realize that the blade of grass experience was just one "sign post" on my particular path and that it may, or may not, be of any use to you on yours. I merely offer it for your consideration.
It all started last year when a couple of friends and I decided to meet up for some fishing at the Eagle Nest Lodge in Deer River, MN. It's a spectacular place located off of Lake Winnibigoshish on a smaller body of water known as Cut Foot Sioux. Earlier in the year, we had agreed to meet on a weekend in early October because my friends were going to be in the area for business. As luck would have it, I also had a customer meeting in Detroit come up for the week before our trip and, after a quick look at the map, I realized Deer River was only a 6 hour drive away. I should point out that I love long car rides. I find them a perfect opportunity to think and work out whatever problem happens to be on my mind, and at the time I was trying to work out a doozy. “What's my purpose?”
After wrapping up the customer meeting in the afternoon, I started driving west from Detroit. It was a beautiful afternoon and with only the setting sun to mark the passage of time and my thoughts to keep me company, I started trying to sort out why I was put onto the planet.
As I drove, I initially wrestled with the question “why does having a purpose matter?” My answer was something to the effect of:
“because if I don't know what my purpose is, how will I know if I'm wasting my life, or not?”
Which seems silly but as this answer continued to swish around in my mind, I recalled an experience from when I was about 17.
I was at a friends house waiting for her to get ready and I was talking to her mom at their kitchen table. She had just wrapped up a long week of work (she was a nurse) and as we sat there she looked at me in a despairing kind of way and said:
“Have you ever wondered what's the whole point of it all? Why do we spend our whole lives working just to grow old and die?”
Although I was sort of taken aback by the question itself, it was her despair that really affected me. I somehow managed to say “No”, but what I felt like saying was:
“What kind of a stupid question is that? We're here to have fun, enjoy life and friends. Work is just the means to an end! RELAX!!”
This is of course the answer a young person with their entire life in front of them and little responsibility would give.
During the ride, as I reflected on that conversation, I found it funny that I was now effectively struggling with the same question as she had been. It's basically the realization that someday you're going to die and statistically speaking you're much more likely to be completely forgotten within three generations than be remembered for anything you did. So, with that in mind, what IS the point?! What's the point of having a purpose, if any contribution you make won't matter so shortly after you're gone?
After struggling with this for a while longer, I realized what a pointless question "what's my purpose" actually is. Seriously, humans appear to be the only animal on the planet that struggle with this question. Given this, I'll ask you, is it more likely that there's something inherently special about humans such that we are all given a special purpose, or is it more likely that we're just animals, like all of God's creatures, that happen to have great imaginations and it's our ego that drives us to believe that we must have some divine purpose?
By now the sun was just a couple of inches above the trees and everything had taken on that golden hue that I reminds me of the endless afternoons of childhood.
As I rounded a bend in the road, the trees parted and revealed one of the most beautiful fields of tall green grass that I've ever seen. I literally shouted “Holy Shit!” as I was filled with a sense of wonder. As I continued to roll through the field, the blades of grass were swaying in the breeze like waves in the ocean and I had a startling realization;
“I have no significance, I'm just a like a blade of grass in a field.”
As I sat with this thought, I wondered "if that's the case, what is the purpose of a blade of grass? What is the highest expression of a blade of grass?" The answer seemed simple. A blade of grass grows, gives off oxygen and is eaten (or not) before returning to the ground to feed the next generation of grass (or whatever else happens to grow there). Therefore the blade of grass that helps other blades of grass grow as tall as possible, such that when they all die the maximum amount of nutrients/biomass is created, which improves the chances for the next generation to thrive, would be the best possible expression of a blade of grass. In fact, this is actually the highest expression possible for any organism. Furthermore, if you zoom out and you think about the entire biosphere of earth and consider the staggering level interconnectedness that exists between all beings living on this planet, how can you possibly conclude that you exist in isolation from anything or anyone and therefore have no responsibility relative to other beings?
I eventually realized that our lives and how we live them, have a ripple effect on everyone and everything around us. Therefore if we choose to live our lives with love in our hearts we spread love everywhere we go. And if we choose to fill ourselves with hatred we will spread the same.
Now, I'm not talking about literally going around and telling everybody that you love them, although it would be pretty cool to reach the state of freedom that would allow one to do this. I'm talking about the every day little random acts of kindness that show others and the universe that you care about harmony.
As I continued to drive, I realized (for me) the only rational answer to the questions “What am I good at? What makes me feel fulfilled?” “What's my purpose?” is “Helping”.
I've since struggled with putting this into practice but as you'll see in the final blog post of the series, the universe has a way of moving us along our path, especially when we aren't walking it quickly enough.
Namaste!
